Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
