we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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