Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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