Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Randomize