I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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