Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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