I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
