I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
