I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
