i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
