alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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