I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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