me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
