alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
