Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we're making bets on your personal life
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize