you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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