i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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