I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
