OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize