i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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