I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
