So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
