I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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