i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I could make wine with my vomit
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
