talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
