I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
