Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
