Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
