Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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