drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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