i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He passed out mid-signature
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
