You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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