Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
