he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize