I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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