it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
