i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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