i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
