apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
