they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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