Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
