After last night, I could never be a politician.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You pole danced in your parka.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize