Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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