im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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