you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How does it feel to date your dad?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
