Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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