I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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