You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize