I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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