Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
