Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
