There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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