life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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