he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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