I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
