2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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