The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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