A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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