booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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