After last night, I could never be a politician.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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