we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
someone owes me an orgasm
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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