My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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