if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
