Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
