Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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