The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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